Everybody Loves a Winner

But if you brag about it too much, they'll call you a loser.

My greatest pet peeve is having to listen to someone get all narcissistic. I mean in the I-need-to-spell-out-how-awesome-I-am-By-the-way-did-I-tell-you-I'm-awesome way. I get it; you're good at something. Carry on.

Ok then, kudos.

Prodigal

Let me feel, I don't care if I break down
Let me fall even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
at least I know I lived, just a little

Listening to that Bethany Joy Lenz song did nothing for my Sunday blues. That's such a cheesy song. It's almost awful because you know it's too emotionally loaded; look at those lines - it's an invitation to have other people see how pathetic you are - in this case, myself. How can anybody appreciate self-pity? How can anyone pretend not to do it once in a while?

I'm 3x years old and I will be free of financial burden by the time I'm 3x , and that is if I work as freaking hard as I have been doing for almost a decade now. The worst part is, I don't think I'm paying for anything other than my dues for being someone who took responsibilities that are way over my head, because nobody else is there to take them. So you see, forgive me for wallowing in self-pity. I do not regret my choices; I will stand up to them and see this through. Just don't expect me to be cheerful in the meantime. Don't expect me to not look tired and intolerant of trivialities.

I knew I should have created a blog about puppies and cotton candies.

Dichotomy

"Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?" -- Haruki Murakami (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

Have you ever wondered why it is so important for us to know someone we deeply care about? Why do we take such pride in being somebody's confidant? Is it for them or, ultimately, for ourselves? So we can be secure. So we won't feel threatened. So we'll have something to hold on to,to keep them tied to us.

But, then again, sometimes there are those who spill everything out even if we are not soliciting stories. Does it give us the right to judge and put labels? Maybe not. Despite all the blabber, the more important stuff - the embarassing, the self-destructive, the ugly - will probably remain hidden.

At any rate, don't we all, in the end, get seduced by mystery? If we know everything, what then? It becomes boring. I think we're wired that way: we'll keep on probing the core of other's essences while we keep hiding facets of our own.

Easier Is Easy, Isn't It?

There is a reason why I’ve been alone all this time, because I’m comfortable that way. ~Margaret Tate

I got a copy of The Proposal because someone I know was contemplating a faux marriage to get a green card. Sister watched the movie while I slept; sister rewatched with another sister, while I slept yet again. I came out of my stupor just in time for Sandra Bullock to get all vulnerable and say that quoted line above. But then again, it's just a line. I haven't blinked twice and there is Margaret - engaged. Made me want to eat my lifetime membership card to The Single Ladies Club. I guess sometimes easy just ain't fun.

The Crux of the Matter

As children, we used to spend off-school days in my aunts' hometown. Because I had always preferred to stay in one corner, reading books or whatever magazine I find instead of playing with the cousins (which incidentally gave my relatives the lasting impression that I am of superior intelligence, at least compared with my kin; a misconception that I was too proud, or lazy, to correct), one day while I was on my corner, blankly staring at the wall, this frame that contains a long prose titled Desiderata caught my eye. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that those lines changed my life. Only not at that exact moment but many more years later, when I was old enough to really relate with what Max Ehrmann was blabbing about. But I never forgot that I saw it first on that wall, which must mean that it did make an impression that early.

That being said, I revisited Desiderata today, through the very efficient way of researching called Googling, and it boggled my mind to realize that I was reading it wrong the entire time. I did say it changed my life, yes? Because I've always believed that I am a good person because I read those lines and say, Oh yes! Well today, when I was needing a little upliftment from feeling guilty of wanting to shun parts of my usual company, Desiderata failed me.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection

and

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit

but

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons


If being myself means that I should not pretend to be happy about people who prove to be "vexations to my spirit," how can I be "on good terms" with them if they expect me to show the level of tolerance and kindness that, to me, is bordering on unneeded, even unworthy to some degree?

Call me jaded but I stopped being always agreeable when I realized that you get walked all over that way - you become a doormat; people love your company because it makes them feel better about themselves; because you're easy.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery

but

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness

I am not on a hate campaign mission. Far from it. I'm merely striving for balance. To keep peace in (my) soul; to be cheerful and strive to be happy. Even if it means I have to be unwelcoming sometimes.